My last entries are and will remain public.
From now on I'm making them Friends Only,
so add me if you'd like to read on.

I coincidentally look at the clock at 3:14 and remember my first and only [so far] love. Karma makes the world go 'round, it's true. He treated me badly so I treated him badly. Do you always go back to your first love? I don't. Didn't. Still haven't. We've changed. Even after two years of being together I still haven't wanted it back. I guess because I've found better. Let them go, but found better. I am thankful for that much, at least. The drive home seemed almost not long enough. I wanted to get here quicker because my head was exploding with words I knew I wouldn't remember by the time I got to the computer but it also didn't seem long enough. 18 miles 'til the town I've called home for almost fourteen years and I was wishing the sign had read "118." Since I forget most of everything else I was going to say, I'll fast-forward to tomorrow. Or, today. Tonight. I'll get trashed. Feel like an idiot dancing my heart out but still having a good time surrounded by some of my favorite girls. I'll be vain for a moment; I'm sure I'll look good. Probably not my best, because the day I wash my hair is when I look best, and that was yesterday. I don't plan on washing it today. I like the curls. But then we'll come home. Hopefully drink some more, but either way I'll be thinking about him. And him. And last night. And yesterday. Playing it over and over in my head. The day after your worst day ever is almost as bad just living with the memory of it.

I need to wash myself out of this skin. I feel dirty. I need new layers. I'll stop by work tomorrow. My day off. I'll see if they have anything to get the smell of you and him and stale cigarettes off of me. And something to rid me of this ugly feeling.

I wanted to let you know that you made me very uncomfortable tonight. Only because I was happy and upset at the same time. You made me cry. No, I made me cry. Friends don't let friends sleep in their beds without expecting something more than just sleep. Can we even call each other friends? I thought fresh air would clear my head. Stomach too. I guess not. Because when I came inside, you reached your arms out to me. I asked if you wanted the water I had just brought in your room from the refridgerator that was in my hand. You said, "no, you," and continued reaching. I went into the bathroom. Came back in and you were sitting on the side of the bed. Reaching again. You asked if you could hold me. You were already holding me. You didn't have to ask. But this was a first. Physical affection. You'd never done this before. Of course you did have a few drinks in you. And a few is an understatement. But I did let you. First, you were angry with me. You wouldn't show me why. Just anger. And lots of it. Then, you told me I gave you hope. Or you hoped for me, or something. I can't remember exactly what you were trying to say..the conversation was a blur due to your unreasonable level of intoxication. But I didn't get you wrong. You said it best, "Drunk people and children are the most honest people in the world." I believe you. You went on to tell me you think about me all the time. You must have said it five times in a span of three minutes. I'm beautiful, and I'm the girl you want to take home to your mother. I'd love for you to take me home to your mother. But it's too late. I cried when you told me what you loved about me. I couldn't help it. You couldn't tell. I should have warned you, but you gave no signs of needing to be warned. Now I realize my mistake. You kept repeating, "You're going to go home and never talk to me again and tell everyone how much of an asshole I am." Sweetheart, I've seen asshole, and you're surely not one of them. You don't want to "dance around" with me. Well, you asked me to dance with you the other night. The first night. I was too shy. Shy for me is weird. Oh well. I guess by "dancing around" you meant you don't want to deal with my instability. The kind we don't have in common. If only he would have left me alone today, I would have kissed you tonight. Tonight - it's 4:26 A.M. and I'm still calling it "tonight." But I would have kissed you. I would have been able to keep giving you the hope I have been for the past week. I would have been able to be happy again, finally treated like the princess I deserve to be treated like. But he came to me. Confused me again. And I'm sorry. No, he should be sorry. For ruining things I start when starting over. I don't know what the morning's going to be like. I wonder when I'll talk to you next. Either way, I'll get things sorted out. The future is close to impossible to tell, and these are the times I appreciate that the most.

Of course you're the first I write about. You're the first for everything lately, despite how much we both know you don't deserve the placement. First of all, I hope you don't read this. Because you will hear most all of it in just a few days. I'd like it to be new to you. So if you're reading this, stop. I'll keep going. On the drive home, so many thoughts ran through my head. I rushed. Now I can't remember a word. I met a boy. He told me I was the girl he wanted to take home to his mother. He wants pictures with me, because I'm beautiful, he says. He thinks about me all the time. When he told me, I cried. I can't be the girl he takes home to his mother, as much as I'd love to be. And it's all because of you. It seems like all I do is cry. No, I rarely do it. It's just something I mention when I write because it means something to me. But when I see you next, I'm going to cry. It's a good thing your parents won't be home. Because I'm going to cry, and yell, and throw things. I'm going to scream, "Why won't you stay away from me?" I would really like to know. I played it out in my head on the way home. We'll sit on separate couches. Maybe you'll take the floor. You almost always take the floor. I'll look at you. I can't look at you. The truth of that will bring the tears to my eyes. Okay, fine. Maybe I won't scream it, but I'll ask you. Over and over again until you can tell me why you won't stay away. I finally want you away, but you keep coming back. I'm about a day and a half away from telling you I don't want to go see that movie with you. You in the back of my mind is what's ruining my chances at everything new I try. I can't go on without you gone. Is that so much to ask? You ran before. Why did you come back? I want to say no. But I'm weak. You bring out all of my weaknesses and to this day we still can't figure out why we still come back. There's no apparent reason. I went for almost two weeks without you and by this morning I was fine. Now I'm back to where I was before. What I want is for us to only see or speak to each other at work. Just like the way I am with Mike, and Anthony. We'll say hello. We'll call each other from across the building when we need help with something. And that's it. We'll go no further. I finally reached a point where I thought I had regained my self-control, my self-confidence, and my independence. And the second you came face to face with me again, I knew I was about to lose it all over again.